10/09/2023
*Trigger Warning*
I was with this person for many years of my life. I never loved a man like I did him. While he was doing time (prison) I stayed. Slowly he was controlling me and I didn't even notice at first. I was losing friends, family and the next thing I know I'm only allowed to work and go home. He kept me on the phone constantly. I couldn't shower, use the bathroom or even cook for my kids without him right there. But in my head I was like he just loves me. I did everything he asked and gave everything I had just to show him I love him. He took and took and when I didn't have it he would be so ugly with me. That's when I noticed when I told him I didn't have it or no because I had to pay a bill he would be so cruel. For 4 years I took that and not to mention the cheating. That hurt me, but he would sweet talk me in again. It became so toxic after that. I totally lost myself. I wasn't happy, throwing up after I ate just so I wouldn't gain weight (he would still put me down because i wasnt skinny enough). I even cheated and startedbeing this horrible person. I was so lost and I hated who I became. I kept taking his abuse though because "I owed him". So in May of 2018 he was released and that's when the physical abuse started. This person is 6'2 over 300 pounds and he would beat me as if I was a man. His lies became worse, drugs, women and I was still putting up with it. I just wanted to be loved. That was it. But he said he couldn't love me like I needed because I needed to show him I deserve it and he will do it in his time. So I would stay because when he would show it I was so happy but when he would take it away I was so broken. Back and forth of this 8 years. He ended going back to prison due to him beating me for 12 hours in my own car. Blaming me for his problems and faults. I felt death so close to me that day. I remember asking God to please just let me make it and thankfully I did. But me being so weak I still stayed. Put up with his abuse and it was so much worse. It wasn't that long ago when I finally had enough and I left. I have my days where I struggle where I want to just go back but I will not. My life matters. I am a mother of 2 handsome boys and they matter. I am and will heal. You can see with me time heals. Please if your in an abusive relationship run and don't look back. Things to get better....they only get worse.
- Cassandra
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