03/02/2023
Today was supposed to be the day Jordan and I announced we were pregnant with our first child.
Instead, it’s the day we’re sharing that we’re one of the 1-in-4 pregnancies that end in miscarriage.
At nine weeks pregnant, at a follow-up ultrasound, we heard the devastating phrase, “we don’t detect a heartbeat.”
Jordan was filming me. I had asked him to film me. I’d been so excited to tell our friends and start documenting the process of growing and meeting our baby. With each new week, the fear of something going wrong dissipated. With each new week, the joy of raising a child multiplied.
But our world turned upside down that day. Immense grief hit harder than we have ever experienced. Elation turned to sorrow.
You see, I hadn’t encountered any physical signs or symptoms of a typical miscarriage. I experienced what they call a “silent miscarriage”. I was still pregnant, hormones in a frenzy, but our baby was gone.
We were filled with shock, confusion, guilt and sadness. Strength seemed so far away. For weeks, it felt like I was gasping for breath, tears unrelenting, thinking constantly of the child we lost.
But God. God, my heart-aching, soul-weary, kept drawing me in.
“…but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
“…but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
“…but God was with him and rescued him from all his troubles.”
Though we do not understand, we understand there is hope.
