01/22/2026
City Water Department is ECSTATIC to announce their new 13 period billing cycle consisting of the following cycle lengths;
22-46-13-38-11-29-35-18-25-42-15-40-31
“Originally it was our belief that over 95% of our residents had water leaks on their property causing 50%-80% spikes in their water bill, but now we have figured out through careful a**lysis that it was actually our antiquated billing cycle system” - states one manager who swears there is a leak in the ceiling above her desk causing constant condensation when in fact it’s just her forearms sweating in angst from falsely relaying incorrect information to town residents.
“We hope to clear up any and all confusion for our billing recipients by switching to this wildly inconsistent billing cycle system.” - says another exhausted manager from having to deal with all these cranky customers.
“Honestly, there is no telling what the real reason is that your water bills jumped by well over 50% this past year… But we LOVE being able to afford pizza parties every Friday. It’s also helped to pay off that big ol expensive slide at the Leonard Park pool MUCH quicker than we ever dreamed possible.” - exclaims another manager who refuses to go down that slide because of the excessive suntan oil she wears to get that golden brown glow.
“Why the heck do we have so many managers in this office?!?!” - wonders the only employee in there who isn’t a manager.
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Hopefully 2026 is the year that Gainesville makes all of our water bills great again.
We’d sure like to get our slip and slide back out instead of chasing around and paying for all of these phantom water leaks on our property!
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Love y’all!
The Cooke County Spammer
