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How to Practise Polyamory
Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW
Last Updated: June 25, 2020 References
Polyamory is the practice of being intimately involved with more than one person in an open and honest way. People who identify as polyamorous may date or live with multiple partners and be in love with more than one person at a time. To practice polyamory, you will need to establish rules and guidelines with your partners. You will also need to manage your time so you can connect with your partners as equally as possible. Make sure you communicate and listen to the needs of your partners so all your relationships are healthy and loving.
Method 1 of 3:
Establishing Rules and Guidelines
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1
Raise the idea of polyamory with your partner in a private setting. If you are in a monogamous relationship and want to explore polyamory with your partner, bring up the subject at home. Find a time when your partner is open to chatting, such as after dinner or before bed. Be honest and upfront about the idea. Express your reasons for wanting to make the relationship polyamorous.[1]
You may think about your reasons before talking to your partner. Have a few good, valid reasons for bringing up the idea so you are prepared for the discussion.
For example, you may say, "Listen, I've been thinking about this for a long time and what would you think about being polyamorous? I love you and want to be with you, but I also think it may be healthy for us to open up the relationship and see other people."
2
Explain that you would set guidelines and rules together. You can also tell your partner that there is no right way to be polyamorous and that you would both have to agree on boundaries and rules for your relationships with others.
For example, you may say, "We can decide how our polyamorous relationship works" or "We would work together to make polyamory work for us."
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3
Give your partner time to think about being polyamorous. It may take time for your partner to embrace the idea of being polyamorous. Be patient and give them time to think it over. Do not pressure them or force them.
4
Accept if your partner says "no" and discuss your options. Try not to make them feel bad if they say "no" to being polyamorous. It is not for everyone and it should only be done if both partners in the monogamous relationship agree to it. You and your partner may then discuss the status of your relationship. Consider whether the relationship is for you, or if you need time apart.
For example, you may say to your partner, "I appreciate you being honest with me. Let's work on our relationship together, as a monogamous couple" or "I understand that you are not comfortable with the idea of polyamorous. Can we talk more about the status of our relationship?"
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5
Agree to tell your partners about other people you are seeing. A big part of being polyamorous is being honest with your partners and not lying or hiding your other relationships. If you are in a committed relationship and want to be polyamorous, sit down with your primary partner and agree that you will tell each other about other people you are dating. Decide how much detail you will provide when you tell your partner about other partners.[2]
For example, you may agree to tell your partner whatever they’d like to know about your other partners, from their name to their profession to how often you are going to see them.
You may both also agree to be open to meeting other partners and interacting with other partners as a couple, and as individuals.
If you are not in a committed relationship, you should still establish clear rules with your other partners. Outline them with each partner so you stay honest and open with each other.
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6
Try the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Some polyamorous people agree to have a policy in which they do not share the details of their other partners. Instead, they agree to trust one another and give one another the freedom to see whoever they want. Some people prefer this if they do not want to know about their partners’ other relationships.[3]
Keep in mind if you grow uncomfortable with this policy, you can always sit down with your partners and discuss being more open with this information.
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7
Discuss how and when you are going to tell others that you are polyamorous. You can agree to disclose you are polyamorous with a potential partner before you become s*xual or intimate. This will ensure you are being honest with the potential partner and keeping things transparent.[4]
For example, you may agree to say to potential partners early in the relationship, “I want you to know before we go further that I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my primary partner. This means we are open to being with other people and maintaining multiple relationships.”
Or you may say, “I want you to know I’m polyamorous. This means I am intimate with other people at once and am not monogamous with one person.”
You may then outline the rules and guidelines you have established so they are aware of what they are getting into. Make sure your other partners know that you are not going to want to be monogamous with them at any point in the relationship.
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8
Decide if the polyamory is s*xual, emotional, or both. Some people have relationships outside of their main relationship that are strictly s*xual. Others have partners that they connect to s*xually and emotionally. Discuss what you and your primary partner are most comfortable with. Be honest about what you want from other relationships so the boundaries are clear.[5]
For example, you and your primary partner may agree to only have other relationships that are s*xually fulfilling. The emotional aspects of a relationship may be limited to just you and your primary partner.
Or, you and your primary partner may agree to have other relationships that are s*xual and emotional in nature.
9
Discuss any relationship areas that are out-of-bounds. Make sure you tell your primary partner if you do not want others to have access to certain areas of your relationship. For example, if you both have children, you may both agree to keep your other partners separate from your children’s lives. Or if you both own a home, you may agree to be with other partners outside of your shared home.[6]
Some polyamorous people will keep the boundaries loose and open to encourage their other partners to feel welcome and part of their lives. Others may maintain strict boundaries and then loosen them over time. Do what feels right for you and your partners.
Method 2 of 3:
Spending Time with Different Partners
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1
Schedule in time to see each partner. Use a calendar on your phone or a day planner to schedule in time with each of your partners. If you are part of a polyamorous couple, you may plan your dates away from your primary partner on the same night so you are both out and one of you is not left alone at home.[7]
You can share a main calendar online with your partners so you can all communicate and organize the schedule together. This will keep things transparent and honest.
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2
Try to spend equal time with each partner. If you are part of a couple, you may agree to spend the majority of your time with your primary partner, and then equal amounts of time with your other partners on the weekend or certain weeknights. Or you may reserve certain nights or days to your other partners.[8]
You may also try to spread out your time equally among each partner. For example, you may alternate weekends with different partners or have certain days of the week where you only spend time with one particular partner.
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3
Plan different activities or dates for your partners. Treat each partner like an individual and think about how you can enrich each relationship. Arrange dates that suit each partner. Plan quality time with each partner doing an activity you both enjoy. Make sure the time you spend with each partner is fulfilling to you both.
For example, you may arrange a night out on the town with one partner who likes to be social and go out. You may then arrange a night in and take out with another partner who prefers to hang out at home.
Do your best to spend quality time with each partner. Sometimes it can be stressful, and expensive, to go all out all the time when you are seeing multiple people. Try to make the time with each partner feel meaningful to you both.
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4
Consider asking your partners to spend time with each other. Some polyamorous people are okay with their partners seeing one another as friends. Others encourage their partners to also be with each other on a romantic or s*xual level. This is entirely up to you and your partners. You may find it easier to see multiple people if they know each other and are comfortable spending time with each other.[9]
For example, you may introduce your partners to one another at a party or a social gathering. Or you may introduce them more formally to your primary partner by bringing them to your home.
Make sure you talk to your primary partner first to make sure they are comfortable being around your other partners before you introduce them.
Method 3 of 3:
Maintaining Healthy Relationships
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1
Be honest with your partners at all times. Transparency, honesty, and trust are the key aspects of a successful polyamorous relationship. Do not lie or hide relationships from your partners, especially your primary partner. Keep the lines of communication open so all your partners are aware of what the boundaries and rules are.[10]
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2
Accept that you may be possessive or jealous of other partners. It is natural to get jealous or possessive of your partners, especially if they are polyamorous as well. Try to accept and acknowledge your feelings of jealousy or possessiveness.[11]
You should be prepared for your partner's jealousy as well, as they may experience jealousy over your other partners.
If you are really struggling with these feelings, consider telling your primary partner, or other partners, about it. Discussing it openly may help you accept and move past your feelings.
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3
Try to perform "compersion" with your partners. "Compersion" is a term for a feeling of joy you get when you witness your partner being well loved by another. It is considered the opposite of jealousy and is experienced by many polyamorous people. It usually develops naturally over time as you get used to being with multiple people at once.[12]
For example, you may feel compersion when you see your primary partner being appreciated by another partner in a loving way. Or you may feel compersion when you see one of your partners being given affection in a positive way by another partner.
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4
Be s*x positive with your partners. Being s*x positive means communicating your s*xual needs clearly to your s*xual partners. It means asking for what you want and being open to responding to the needs of your partners. Because you may have multiple s*xual partners as a polyamorous person, being s*x positive will ensure your s*xual relationships with others are healthy and fulfilling.[13]
Being s*x positive also means communicating when you do not want to be s*xual or participate in activities you do not desire. You should also respect the s*xual boundaries of others and not force your partners to do anything they do not want to do.
5
Practice safe s*x with your partners. Make sure you use protection, such as condoms or birth control, with your partners. Always get tested for STDs and other diseases before you initiate s*x with your partners. Confirm that your partners have been tested and are using protection before you engage in s*xual acts with them.
Be open and upfront about practicing safe s*x with your partners. Make it one of the main things you discuss with your partners before being intimate with them so you can all be safe and have healthy s*xual relationships.
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6
Connect with others who practice polyamory. Look online for polyamory groups or chapters in your area. Join social media groups for people who are in polyamorous relationships. Talk to friends who are in open relationships or who are polyamorous so you can connect in person with others who share your approach to relationships.
Community Q&A
Question
I'm with my husband and another woman. He shows her too much attention now I feel like chopped liver. What do I do?
Community Answer
Community Answer
Talk out how you're feeling with him. Are you with her as well? If so, talk it out with both. If you're not dating the woman, it works best if you are good friends. This is my approach, others may vary but I find this curbs jealousy.
Not Helpful 0 Helpful 28
Question
What should I do if I am the one being approached by a poly couple, and I have never before been involved in such a union?
Community Answer
Community Answer
First of all: think of your needs. If you were in a polyamorous relationship, what would you want out of that? What do they want out of the relationship? If one or both simply want to have s*xual relations with you when you don't, then you don't have to join them.
Not Helpful 1 Helpful 31
Question
My boyfriend shows me lots of love, but wants to have s*x with other women. He says it's just s*x and with me it's more of an emotional bond. It kind of turns me on too, but I'm confused.
Nothanks1
Nothanks1
Community Answer
It may seem cliche, but the only person who can answer that is you. Are you comfortable with him being physically intimate with someone other than yourself? Do you trust him enough to respect the relationship you two are in currently? Are you okay with the possibility that "just s*x" may turn into a deeper emotional bond? Polyamory is very exciting and can work for many couples, you'll just need to ask yourself and reflect on what you will be comfortable with.
Not Helpful 0 Helpful 22
Question
I consider myself polyamorus. My boyfriend knows this, but seems to be a little upset when I bring it up or talk about maybe us being poly. I have stopped mentioning it for now. He is an incredibly nice guy. What should I do?
Community Answer
Community Answer
Polyamorous relationships are entirely dependent upon all parties involved being good, giving and game. If he doesn't want to do it, it will never work, and you will have to accept being in a monogamous situation with him.
Not Helpful 6 Helpful 38
Question
How do I convince women to join me in the practice of polyamory?
Community Answer
Community Answer
You shouldn't have to convince anyone. There are plenty of women interested in polyamory but many aren't, just stick to the willing and enthusiastic participants.
Not Helpful 7 Helpful 39
Question
What if I break up with a partner, but my primary partner stays with them?
Community Answer
Community Answer
This is why it's a good idea to have ground rules ahead of time. Try to consider all possible situations before you get involved with other people. If this has already happened, try voicing your concerns with your partner. Tell him/her how you feel about their continued relationship with this person and try to come to a resolution.
Not Helpful 0 Helpful 9
Question
How do I not feel secondary if I'm joining a poly relationship with my ex and his new girlfriend?
Community Answer
Community Answer
That situation sounds awkward and uncomfortable, and you may not be able to overcome these feelings given the history between you and your ex. I would recommend ending things with both of them and finding a polyamorous relationship with someone else.
Not Helpful 4 Helpful 16
Question
Is there a polyandry club?
Community Answer
Community Answer
In leather clubs and LGBT+ clubs, it's way less frowned upon than in a regular club.
Not Helpful 8 Helpful 19
Question
I am a teen who just got into a poly relationship. One partner I've known for years and the other for only months. We can't tell my mom yet, and she hasn't met one of my partners. What should I do here?
WF
WF
Top Answerer
There are some rules in polyamory: Treat others with respect, Don’t try to force relationships to be something they are not. Don’t try to impose yourself on other people, Understand when things are not about you. Just because you feel bad, that doesn’t necessarily mean someone else did something wrong.
Not Helpful 3 Helpful 12
Question
What should I do if my religion prevents polyamory?
Community Answer
Community Answer
The only solutions are to either abandon your religion or not practice polyamory.
Not Helpful 10 Helpful 13
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Warnings
Over time, 1 or more partners may wish to change your agreement. This is natural and should be addressed when it comes up.
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Come up with a plan to decide what will happen if a partner becomes unexpectedly pregnant. You may need to discuss who will be responsible for the child, especially if 1 of the biological parents is not a member of your relationship.
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References
↑https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
↑https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
↑https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
↑http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/12pillars.html
↑https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
↑https://www.thrillist.com/s*x-dating/nation/what-its-like-to-practice-polyamorous-relationships
↑https://www.thrillist.com/s*x-dating/nation/what-its-like-to-practice-polyamorous-relationships
↑http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/12pillars.html
↑https://www.thrillist.com/s*x-dating/nation/what-its-like-to-practice-polyamorous-relationships
More References (4)
About This Article
Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Klare Heston, LCSW
Clinical Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. This article has been viewed 132,716 times.
44 votes - 88%
Co-authors: 27
Updated: June 25, 2020
Views: 132,716
Categories: Maintaining Relationships
In other languages
Español:practicar el poliamor
Русский:иметь отношения с несколькими людьми одновременно
Português:Praticar o Poliamor
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So, someone you know and care about just told you that he or she is Polyamorous, or “Poly.” Maybe it was your child, or someone else in your family. Maybe it was someone you’re thinking about dating, or a co-worker, or someone you know socially.
