25/05/2023
You've probably heard about the passing of Tina Turner yesterday.
What you may not know is there's been an outpouring of tributes from people around the world thanking her for the powerful example she set in freeing herself from an abusive relationship.
If you haven't already seen the 1993 movie “What’s Love Got To Do with It” - which was based on her rise to stardom and tumultuous marriage with Ike Turner - it's well worth the time to track it down on your TV and watch it.
It is THE best depiction I've ever seen of what it’s like being in a crazy-making, roller coaster relationship with a narcissist, controller, manipulator - and how it turns your life upside down and inside out until you don’t know what’s up.
I wrote a book called "Take the Bully by the Horns."
In it, I challenge the often-expressed "If it was so bad, why didn't s/he leave? S/he must have no self esteem" statement when they hear someone was in an abusive relationship.
That is such a simplistic, stereotypical sentiment.
Abusive relationships are more complicated than that.
For one thing, bullies are often Jekyll-Hyde personalities. They can be capable of kindness one moment - cruelty the next.
You never know who will walk in the door, who you'll wake up next to.
For another thing, your kindness/compassion can end up being your Achilles Heel.
The very characteristics that are best about you - your willingness to see someone else's point of view, your empathy, your self-examination to see if you caused or contributed to their behavior, your "hope springs eternal" attitude - end up being a type of double jeopardy where you end up forgiving abusers for their transgressions.
Furthermore, bullies often gaslight you and claim you're the crazy one. You're the one who's over-reacting, making this up, imagining things, being too sensitive.
Because you try to own your behavior, you keep wondering if maybe that's true.
Abusers often made heartfelt apologies accompanied by promises to "never do that again."
In that moment, they believe it, so you do too.
And that's partly because you simply can't comprehend that someone who's smart, talented, successful can act this way.
You can't believe that someone you (used) to love - who "loves" you - would treat you this way.
Then there's the kids. And the intertwined finances. And the business you own together. And the legalities. And the fear. And the unknown. And the "How can I support myself and my kids if I walk? How can I start from scratch at age ___?"
This can go on for months, for years, until, like Tina, you get crystal clear that getting out of that toxic situation is the single best thing you can do for your sanity, health, and future.
Until, like Tina, you understand, "What we accept, we teach."
Until you realize, "I'm teaching my kids this is what love looks like.
I'm teaching my kids this is how men treat women (or vice versa).
I'm teaching my kids that we stay in a toxic relationship, no matter what."
At that point, you realize the truth of what Tennessee Williams said, "There's a time for departure even when there's no particular place to go."
Please understand, it is not a failure to leave a toxic relationship, it is a triumph.
It is an act of clarity and courage that people deserve to be treated with respect.
If, after repeated attempts to create that in a relationship, it’s not happening, it’s in your best interests to move on and find/create a relationship where loving respect is the norm instead of the exception.
Anna Quindlen expressed what many people in toxic relationships think in her book/movie Black and Blue, "I stayed because I thought things would get better, or at least not worse."
If you - or someone you love - is dealing with a relationship where there is a pattern/history of abuse, it will not get better, it will get worse.
And it is negatively impacting you - and everyone else involved - in that cycle of abuse.
Pull a Tina.
Summon up the clarity and courage to remove yourself from the abuse cycle.
The good news is, you don't have to go it alone.
And you don't have to (or want to) just leave with "no particular place to go."
Plan your next steps to make sure you and the people you care about are taken care of.
Get help at the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800 799-7233 (SAFE).
It may not be easy. I promise, it will be worth it.
