06/05/2026
Betsy leaned in close to her new husband Brett, her smile fixed while her whisper did all the real work. “See my Uncle Jerry on the couch?” she said. “He’s currently telling everyone he’s a traveling Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman. ‘Top-of-the-line machines, lots of attachments,’ blah blah—he’s been selling that story since Eisenhower.” Across the room, Jerry gestured broadly, like a man describing both suction power and the American dream. Brett nodded, and Betsy squeezed his arm. “Come outside. You deserve the deluxe demonstration.”
They slipped into the driveway, and Betsy popped the trunk with the a twisted sense of delight.
Inside: no vacuums. No hoses. No chrome canisters. Just a meticulously organized, velvet-lined inventory of… let’s call them “enthusiast-grade accessories,” each boxed like it belonged in a department store that definitely doesn’t exist in Scarsdale.
Brett blinked. “So the attachments——are not for carpets,” Betsy finished.
From inside, Jerry’s voice floated out, “ladies, you’ll just love the variety of hoses we have this month.”
Betsy closed the trunk gently. “He’s speaking in code. Half the women in there have his number memorized.
He’s like the Avon-Lady, but more like the strap-on man.”
Brett glanced back at the party, suddenly noticing how excitedly the gals were smiling.
“Wait,” he said, “so everyone—?” Betsy nodded. “Yep, repeat customers.”
They stood there a beat, the realization landing. Then Betsy looked Brett up and down, a slow, satisfied appraisal. “Huh,” she said. “We might be the only ones he never pitched.”
Brett raised an eyebrow.
Betsy smirked, taking his hand as they headed back inside. “Don’t take it personally,” she added.
“I married you because you have all the attachments a gal could ever want. Plus, I don’t think they make anything close to your size.”
Brett smirked proudly, “Yeah, I guess I’m happy with the nozzle God gave me!”