31/01/2026
An apology is MEANT to REPAIR damage. To rebuild TRUST and reconnect.
So this is why these “apologies” fail:
❌ “I’m sorry you feel that way” (in this context)
Implies your feelings are the problem, not their actions
Signals nothing will change
One of the most harmful “apology” patterns (Gottman calls this invalidation)
❌ “I’m sorry BUT…”
Negates the apology immediately
Research shows “but” erases accountability (Gottman) - it shifts blame to whatever comes after the BUT
❌ “I’m sorry AND you are the one who…” or “you also do…”
Classic defensiveness (one of the 4 most toxic dynamics in relationships)
Making it about what YOU did wrong
Not taking ownership
One wrong doesn’t make another wrong right
Disclaimer: If I actually needed an apology to feel reconnected and safe, I would request it differently than portrayed in the video. But I wanted you to stick around long enough to hear the worst 3 types of “apologies” that aren’t really apologies.
What an actual apology sounds like:
“I’m sorry I [specific action]. That was hurtful. I regret doing that. Do you forgive me? What do you need from me to make this right?”
No buts. No deflection. Just ownership.
A real apology (with the purpose of rebuilding trust instead of dismissing or shifting blame) sounds like this underneath the words:
“You are the most special person to me in this world, and when you hurt, the world stops for me. I am here for you. I want to listen to understand your pain (not judge it) so I can tend to it. Because even if it was unintentional, I will do my best to protect you from any harm and build systems so our ways of life don’t bump unnecessarily. We are a team. We got this.”
Follow for more evidence-based relationship skills (with occasional humor when my husband gives me ideas 😅).
