02/04/2026
April hits differently for me. It’s Cesarean Awareness Month and Autism Awareness Month, two experiences that completely rewrote my understanding of myself.
The day I chose a cesarean while suppressing the birth trauma I was experiencing was probably the first sign that my parenting journey was going to be one worked through by fire and not butterflies. My body, my plans, my expectations, all of it exploded all over me. The home birth mom I imagined myself being became the “how could I let that happen to me” mom.
And that, my friends, was only the beginning.
I then went on to move to a new country where, over the course of a year, it became clear I was parenting a child with severe special needs in a medical system that was completely underfunded, with zero village around me. I turned in on myself even more. If anyone was the problem, it must have been me.
So that’s been my last six years. But through it all I have worked so damn hard to restore ME. To learn new skills for ME. And of course for that little boy, and the precious boy who came right in the middle of it all, born via a second home birth cesarean.(another long story)
I have learned what it means to rebuild parts of myself I didn’t realize would first have to be burned to the ground. I’ve learned to love a body that keeps changing, and to recognize the feeling of being worn down by constant overstimulation and expectations. And then, slowly, to choose regulation, hope, and a life that feels more integrated, honest, and whole.
So yeah. April always feels like my month to come on here and vent. But mostly to try really hard to see the growth and progress of these last 6+ years. Not just ruminate in the struggle but see the phoenix that I f***ing am.
