07/10/2024
How would each Personality Type react to this bullying? “You’re ugly, fat, and stupid!”
ENFP (Sanguine Phlegmatic)—Laughs but is hurt inside until 50 of her infinite friends come over and remind her she’s beautiful.
ENTP (Sanguine Choleric) — “Excuse me, were you talking about your mother?” [ENTP flips birdie and walks away]
ISFJ (Phlegmatic Sanguine) — “That’s really not a nice thing to say to someone!” [pretends to be super happy the rest of the day to hide their inner turmoil.”
ISTP (Melancholic Sanguine) — Pretends not to notice, but later siphons the gas out of the bully’s car and uses it to burn a sentence on the football field: “[Bully’s name] is a bleeeeeeeeeep bleep bleeeep blep bleeep…” Also rigs the engine so the car only starts if a mixture of squirrel blood and wood varnish are mixed with the gasoline.
*Note: the profanity is solely for accuracy’s sake.
ISTJ (Pure Melancholic) — Goes through bullying protocol, looks up the guidelines for a formal report, follows them, and after 6 months of back and forth (all within the rules), gets the bully 2 days of detention.
ISFP (Phlegmatic Sanguine) — Doesn’t notice, but later draws a picture of said bully being eaten alive by cannibals and doesn’t know why.
ESFP (Pure Sanguine) — Slips a little bit of acid into the bully’s next order of crack. Posts the ensuing incident involving the neighbor’s dog, a bucket of tar, and 3 bags of Skittles on social media. Revenge complete.
ESTJ (Coleric Melancholic) — Tell’s the bully in no uncertain terms that he will be prosecuted, and proceeds to do so. Still ends up giving the bully 2 days of detention.
ESTP (Choleric Sanguine) — When no friends are watching: Just laughs. The ESTP’s ego is so big, insults just bounce off.
When Friends are watching: “I’m ugly? Naw, man, you so ugly, the only date you could find for homecoming was your neighbor’s dog.” Moons the bully and then proceeds to fight him. Receives in-school suspension, but remains a legend to this day.
ESFJ (Sanguine Melancholic) — “Omygosh! You’re so stupid!” Starts smear campaign on Twitter and among her friends until the bully can’t go anywhere without people giving him ugly looks.
INTJ (Melancholic Choleric) — *smiles darkly* *stares at bully* [bully starts backing away] The bully’s locker explodes in a veritable firestorm, wreathing the INTJ in a halo of flames. [for months afterwards, the mere sight of the INTJ causes the bully to wet its pants]
INTP (Phlegmatic Choleric) — “My most recent hacking forays into the school mainframe reveal that my grade is 117% better than yours. In fact, maybe if you doubled your grade, you could equal your mother’s BMI.”
ENFJ (Choleric Phlegmatic) — Is inspired to create an anti-bullying program, smiles and thanks the bully, and begins making plans and recruiting friends. Bully spends the rest of the day confused.
ENTJ (Pure Choleric) — *ENTJ writes something in his notebook* Out loud: “I think you will not enjoy your place in the future at this school. If you have one.” Bully snorts and walks away.
Weeks later: Bully is expelled on completely accurate charges of possessing ma*****na on school grounds. Is mysteriously kidnapped by Mexican drug smugglers. When the truth dawns on the bully, he screams the name of the ENTJ. Before he can finish, one of the smugglers claps a hand over his mouth, his face white with fear.
“Do not say the name, Senor. He is always watching.”
INFJ (Melancholic Phlegmatic) — “You’re a troubled human being!”
INFP (Pure Phlegmatic)—Writes a story in which the bully is eaten by cannibals, which makes her feel so much better she slaps the bully next time she sees him. “I bet the Kuruwatka braves choked on your vile flesh!” she says. Everyone is mystified.
This one was fun! Yes, I know cannibals feature prominently in the fantasies of both the ISFP and the INFP, but they are similar personalities, and I wanted to give the piece a little bit of continuity.
(Caleb Hill) MBTI enthusiast, critic, lover, and philosopher!