31/05/2021
Ngatia my childhood friend, who decided education is for the birds, called me on a Saturday afternoon. He informed me that he had managed to get a buyer for my bull. Having castrated and named it six months back, it had concentrated on feeding instead of other things. As a result Kiongo had gained some good weight. And since Ngatia is an accomplished liar, I called him back to confirm if indeed there was a buyer for the bull. Amidst some strange noise Ngatia confirmed that Abdi, the butcher, was coming for the bull in about an hour. I wanted to ask him how much Abdi would pay for it but got disconnected. The embarrassing things these telecommunication companies do to me………
Anyway, I continued trimming my toenails with a kitchen knife while uncomfortably seated on an inverted plastic bucket outside my house. My mind went back to thinking how I would diversify and increase my income streams. That Saturday, like many other days, I was broke in a very unacceptable manner and I needed to bring that trend to an end. I promised myself that I would start a small cereal business once I managed to sell Kiongo. I hoped it would fetch enough for the business capital.
I had just stood to stretch a bit, when Abdi, Ngatia and another man drove in Abdi’s Toyota Probox which was producing noise and smoke from every part. I then knew where the strange noise on the phone was coming from when I had earlier called Ngatia.
The three went straight to where I had tied Kiongo and walked around keenly observing him like a specimen under a scientific enquiry. When Ngatia and Abdi stopped, the other man continued to carefully inspect the bull’s skin, tail, snout and horns at a close range. He then peeped inside Kiongo’s nostrils as if to study something important inside there. The man was very annoying to say the least. They say karma is a senior one and it was about to visit him in a big way. As he pressed Kiongo’s hind thigh as part of his inspection, Kiongo was not amused and so he kicked him on the knee so hard that he fell on his back. I almost burst into laughter as I helped him back on his feet as he profanely cursed in vernacular. He gave the bull a look that suggested he would revenge against it as it continued to swing its tail to wipe away some disturbing flies.
“Umeona aje Murimi?” Abdi asked the man as if nothing had happened. “Hii kitu nimeiangalia sawa sawa na haiwezi kuwa na nyama tamu, ichukue na elfu kumi na tano.” he answered. What! I almost kicked the fool on the other knee. I mean, even if he wanted to revenge, 15k was too low for Kiongo. After a serious 20-minutes negotiation, we settled at 44k though Murimi still believed the price was more than double the value of the bull. Abdi counted the notes as I carefully followed his fingers. He then passed them to Murimi who counted twice and passed to Ngatia. Ngatia also counted twice and handed over the bundle to me. I counted twice and nodded to mean that yes, there were 44 notes.
Abdi signaled Murimi by pointing at Kiongo using his lips and Murimi swung into action. Assisted by Ngatia, he hurriedly untied the bull and started pushing it on the back seat of the Toyota Probox while Abdi held the door open. Only seasoned loaders like Murimi and Ngatia would load a bull size of Kiongo in a vehicle size of a Toyota Probox. I would later learn that with the two everything was possible.
Immediately after the job was done, Murimi wiped the sweat on his face with a dirty piece of cloth which looked like it once served as a bathing towel. Ngatia on the other hand started an argument with Abdi over the loading charges. See, Ngatia is one who charges anybody for anything….anything I mean. (He once asked a street preacher “amwachie ya macho” because of listening to him.) Abdi finally gave him Ksh.200 to end the argument. He pocketed the note and turned to me. He demanded at least 10% of the sales as his commission for referring Abdi to me. The way he did it, one would imagine he was a landlord demanding for rent. Abdi and Murimi were getting impatient with him and they almost left him behind as we continued to argue. Finally I gave him Ksh.700 being a 2%. Then the three and the bull left in their noisy smoky Probox.
It was time to plan for my dream cereal business; but the money would not allow it. It started talking to me as soon as I took a pen and a paper.
First, I needed a serene place to draw a plan for my business and so I called Tony, the taxi guy. I preferred Tony because his vehicle had better ground clearance hence safe for me in case of any eventuality like a terrorist attack. Tony did not take long as I had asked him. I enquired from him about the most serene place in town where I could hold an important meeting with myself. The place he recommended was a 5-star hotel about 10km away and would cost me 3k. I didn’t have a problem with that. It was not time for more arguments but time to plan for business.
Halfway the journey, Ngatia called to inform me that he had a business idea that he wanted to share with me. A quiet inner voice warned me against meeting that wicked man but I overruled it. “What if he has something important to share with me?” I thought. Finally, Ngatia and I agreed to meet at Lexus Premier Resort.
When he finally joined me in the Resort, I noted he couldn’t walk on a straight line. The fellow had been drinking at Fagilia Bar and Restaurant since he left my place. I had taken a table on the balcony of the restaurant that overlooked Mt. Kenya and one could see wild animals grazing from a distance. The place squarely fitted in my definition of serenity. Ngatia however, suggested that we sit at the bar’s counter but I considered it too chaotic to discuss any business matter there. Besides, it was important for me to be in an open place since his breath was really bad thanks to many years of unhygienic lifestyle. We sat at the balcony.
A sense of importance had just started sinking in me when Ngatia shamelessly yawned loudly making one of the hotel managers walking by to stop and check if everything was ok. He beckoned at a waitress who stood nearby. She rushed to our table with a bunch of menus; one for foods, one for hot drinks, another one for soft drinks and another one for alcoholic beverages. Judging from the images on the cover of the menu, Ngatia snatched the one for hard drinks and since he couldn’t read the Queen’s language, he sought for my assistance. Well, it was also not easy for me. There were things like Hennessy XO, Glenfiddich, Dom Perignon Rose and Jura. I didn’t tell Ngatia but I had not come across such names in my entire life.
Using English of nose, I asked the tall slender waitress of either Ethiopian or Rwandese origin whether there was another menu. She shook her head. The cheapest thing on that menu was a bottle of those hard-to-read names at USD 42.50. I would have known how expensive that was had it been converted into shillings. I ordered one for Ngatia. Whatever that was, I knew Ngatia would consume it as long as it contained some psychoactive substances. I mean, this is a man who consumed 2 litres of chang’aa in one sitting. I ordered Cappuccino for myself though the lady had to ask several times what I meant. I would later learn that my pronunciation had been badly affected by my mother tongue. Eventually, I pointed it on the menu for her to understand.
“Is that all sir?” the lady asked, looking at Ngatia. “Eeeh. Sir to you too sir” Ngatia mumbled back to the lady. “Mko na ugali nyama?” he then asked. Of course, the lady heard nothing and so I intervened. I requested her to serve the drinks first then we would eat later even though I had no intention to buy any food.
My Cappuccino coffee was served in a cup so small that I could hardly hold its handle even with two fingers. I couldn’t believe it. For Ngatia, he emptied his bottle in minutes. He then contorted his face like an angry Ibean Yellow baboon and belched loudly. No sooner had he belched than he started talking things that were not part of the agenda. He would move from discussing political coalitions in Kenya to his hunting experiences in Aberdare forest when he was a young boy to Ben Githae’s songs among many other weird things. The more I tried to re-focus him the more he insisted that he needed another bottle to calm his nerves down, whatever that meant. I finally agreed and requested the attendant to serve him another one. Immediately after swallowing the content of the second bottle, he removed his oversize maroon locally made coat and hung it on the chair and then crossed his right leg over the left one in a manner that suggested he was in charge. He started using English words like “otherwise” “by the way” and “surely”. He wanted another bottle in order to accurately articulate the business idea but I declined. Instead I requested the attendant to serve him two bottles of local beer. He became worse immediately after swallowing them. There were three more bottles that followed. By now, he was shouting a “by the way” or an “otherwise” at the beginning of every sentence. “By the way Mr. Tom, tutaongea maneno ya bishara sasa” he would say. “Otherwise, bwana Tom nimefurahi sana. Wewe ni mtu wa maana sana sana sana! Nakuheshimu” he would continue. It was not funny listening at him treating the main agenda why we went to Lexus Premier Resort as a by the way.
Finally, he temporarily seemed to have come back to his senses and ready to talk business. “Bwana Tom, unaona hizi pete za harusi. Hiyo ni biashara mzuri sana” he thoughtfully said. “Ukifungua hiyo biashara ya kuuza pete za harusi pale Kamakwa town, baasi wewe umetajirika kabisa. Hata nyumba ya hiyo kazi mimi nitakutafutia. Ama wewe unaona aje Mr. Tom? he asked me. I did not answer him because I thought he had lost his mind. How on earth would he come to a 5-star hotel 10km away on my bill to tell me to open a business of selling wedding rings at Kamakwa shopping centre? I wanted to believe he had another business idea but I was wrong; he didn’t. Surely, this man was an agent of the evil one.
Really, money confuses! How did it get to this? My bill in Lexus Premier Resort was 14.5k and it was already getting late. I called Tony who charged me another 3k to get me home.
As I lay on bed that night I had spent 21k out of the 44k that Kiongo had fetched for me. Long story short, I woke up very early the following morning to look for another small bull to replace Kiongo but not before spending another 6k on things I can’t clearly remember. I have now started all over again and I am determined to sell my new bull next year in order to start a small cereal shop.
Anyway, before you conclude that the difference between Kiongo and I is just the horns, are you crystal clear about your business idea? Or are you waiting for the wicked Ngatia to guide you?
