11/08/2024
MISCARRIAGE [Trigger Alert]
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
My intention for sharing this personal experience with you is to raise awareness of the difficulties of such a heart-breaking experience. Miscarriage is taboo in many cultures, often hidden away, even a thing to be ashamed of.
In fact, it is actually something that Islam teaches us very openly and beautifully about. I hope that by reading this post, it reminds someone never to give up and to remember Allah swt’s promises.
“Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi Raji’un”, truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. The Holy Quran 2:156
How easily we say this to others, but we only understand the true meaning when we are the ones returning His swt gifts back to Him.
Every second of knowing I was pregnant equated to seconds of thinking about our baby. Would it be a boy or girl? What would they look like? Would they be like me or their baba?
We were shocked. I was confused. Was it my fault? Was there something wrong with me?Had I done something wrong?… So many questions.
But no answers. No one I spoke to could tell me anything to clear my confusion.
Close family and the few friends who knew didn’t know how to respond, they were sympathetic at first but then it was never really mentioned or spoken about. As if it had never happened…no acknowledgement of the loss of our baby. I knew they cared but I felt as if perhaps it wasn’t important enough for them, even though I knew that wasn’t the case.
The days of confusion slowly blurred into weeks of feeling “empty”. I just couldn’t shake off this feeling of emptiness and the need to replace this loss that had left us before we had had a chance to live it. To love it.
I felt broken. I don’t even know how my husband felt. He never showed his emotions- perhaps he was too busy looking after me and trying to stand strong for us. But he was affected.
This time I was numb. I remember returning from our emergency scan and just lying on the sofa where the words of the consultant confirming the worst alongside the same rubbish excuse of “one of those things…” going through my mind.
BUT I still wish I had had someone to speak to, someone who would listen, someone who would acknowledge my loss and affirm what I felt. Someone who would tell me the many comforting ayahs from the Quran and many consoling hadiths that I would learn about in years to come.
I remember that night as I lay exhausted, weeping, begging my Creator.
“Ya Allah I am patient with your decision, and I put my trust in You and I expect my reward only from You”, and I kept repeating that in the days and weeks that followed, subhanAllah as broken as my heart was, this time I was aware that Allah swt was really listening. The thing is that He swt always had been, it was me that had taken so long to realise.
“And Allah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)”. The Holy Quran 3:146
Three to four months now,we were expecting our third child. However, this time no excitement just anxiety. And prayers. Lots of praying for the protection of our baby.
The soul accepts but the heart still weeps. And really it’s ok to weep. Its ok to weep if we feel sad, it’s ok to weep if someone beloved dies. It’s ok to weep if we miss that person and miss them like crazy. It’s ok.
It is NOT A SIN, it is NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS and it is certainly NOT NON ACCEPTANCE OF ALLAH SWT’S WILL!
For even our beloved Prophet Muhammad S.A.W wept:
Anas bin Malik reported that: “The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) entered the room and we accompanied him… And Ibrahim (the Prophet S.A.Ws son) breathed his last. The eyes of Allah’s Messenger (S.A.W.) were filled with tears. Abdur Rehman Ibne Auf said: ‘you are weeping, O Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.)’. He (S.A.W.) replied: “Ibne Auf, This is mercy”. Then he (S.A.W.) said: “Our eyes shed tears and our hearts are filled with grief, but we do not say anything except that by which Allah is pleased. O, Ibrahim we are sorrowful due to your separation.” Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Sunan Abi Dawood and Sunan Ibne Majah
And though I wept for days on after, and still do every now and then, I had hope and felt blessed that Allah swt had chosen us, He swt had chosen me.
“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning”.
The Holy Quran 39:10
InshaAllah.
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