09/21/2026
FREE TO A GOOD HOME: KEVIN
Affectionately named after the screaming bird in the Disney Movie "UP". Now accepting applications for the privilege of removing him from our property.
Are you tired of sleeping past 4:00 a.m.? Do you worry that your neighbors might secretly like you? Are the small children in your life becoming a little too comfortable outdoors?
Kevin can help.
This premium Tractor Supply Special was sold as a “100% sexed female,” making him both a rooster and an excellent introduction to consumer fraud.
Kevin comes fully equipped with:
A commercial-grade alarm system
Activates around 4:00 a.m. and repeats every 2.5 minutes. No batteries, electricity, sunrise, emergency, or identifiable reason required. Cannot be disabled.
Advanced property-security technology
Deters mail carriers, visitors, toddlers, and any remaining goodwill between you and your neighbors.
Selective predator response
When a hawk attacked our flock, Kevin immediately took control of the situation by shoving past the hens and saving the chicken he values most: himself. The rest of the flock gained valuable independence and problem-solving experience.
A youth enrichment program
Kevin recently began chasing small children, helping them improve speed, agility, situational awareness, and respect for poultry. He is especially courageous when his opponent is under four feet tall and holding a juice box.
Executive-level leadership
Kevin contributes no eggs, provides no protection, accepts no feedback, and spends most of the day loudly announcing accomplishments nobody witnessed. He is ready for upper management.
Outstanding curb appeal
He is, unfortunately, very handsome. This has allowed him to avoid consequences for much longer than his personality warrants.
Kevin would be perfect for an experienced rooster owner with plenty of land, no small children, distant neighbors, strong fencing, excellent health insurance, and a deep personal dislike of silence.
His rehoming fee is $0, reflecting both his market value and our level of desperation.
We will include his complete service history, which is just a blank sheet of paper with “SCREAMING” written across it.
Please share. Somewhere out there is a person whose mornings are peaceful, whose children are fearless, and whose neighbors still wave to them.
Kevin is ready to fix all three.
