10/20/2019
My Memories Don’t Match (pls read caption)
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Selective memory, repressed memory, dissociative amnesia.
Due to pressing and traumatic events in my life, I often find myself blocking out my own memories. These can be good times, bad times, great times, or awful times, and I hate it.
Taking photographs initially started as something I did because I loved it. Now at age 22, after trauma and through growing pains, I still love photography, but when I look through my hard drives and at all the images from long ago, I can’t remember taking them. I don’t know what I was feeling, where I was mentally or emotionally, and it’s hard for me to place myself behind the camera, in front of whatever or whomever the subject was. After getting the diagnosis of PTSD, I didn’t understand at first what affect the things I have been through had on my whole life. Now blocking out memories that might be even slightly painful has become a survival skill. I don’t like that I’ve withheld so much of my life from myself, shut the door on past moments that weren’t singularly related to the bad. I know that my brain is protecting me from spiraling into dark times and dark thoughts, but I wish I had clung to some of the good ones and could feel those feelings once more. I’ve never spoke so candidly on this account before, but I want to be 100% authentic with who I am behind the screen and on.
I’m starting an archival based series at the same time I’m continuing my regular work.
This is the second batch.
The images are from 2014-2017.
I was 16, 17, 18.