North Star Counseling Services

03/26/2026

“MY BOSS AT WORK IS SUCH A NARCISSIST!!!” If I had a nickel every time I heard this phrase, I think I would be rich beyond measure. Narcissist, narcissistic, narcissism, you get the picture is one of many buzzwords or terms many people use currently. This
is a phenomenon that occurs when a term such as narcissist in all its forms is used due to more information shared by mental health professionals, authors, and other individuals at certain levels of education in related fields of psychology. Many people
will read books, listen to podcasts, read articles, and so forth will come to very rapid and impulsive conclusions about how they are surrounded by many narcissistic people in
professional, familial, and social circles, and then proceed to express the examples the behaviors the identified narcissistic person or people exhibit to illustrate their point.
Once again, before proceeding I provide the usual disclosure that this article is not intended in any way to diagnose and/or treat any individual, groups or communities, but
it is nothing more than information which I have learned in 20 years of psychotherapeutic practice. In addition, the information provided here is not exhaustive, therefore every piece of information I would like to write may be left out due to constraints given by different social media platforms. The reason I write about narcissism today is due to how prevalent this term has become in modern culture. It is important to know that every person on earth possesses levels
of any trait, personality type or disorder, and takes specialized testing by PhD level psychologists to diagnose and confirm the actual presence of narcissistic personality disorder. However, it is true there are many people amongst us that can and do present
with higher levels of narcissism and are obvious.
One of the myths about narcissism is that an individual who presents as such is very
self-absorbed, and think very highly of themselves, especially compared to others. The reason this is a myth is that individuals with narcissism are very much in a great deal of
mental and emotional pain and anguish. People with narcissism have most likely been traumatized at a certain time in their life, and narcissism has been the way in which they protect themselves from the harm a history of trauma, or even continual trauma has
caused, and how it affects their daily functioning.
For an individual to be diagnosed with, “narcissistic personality disorder” the trauma most likely occurred very early in the person’s life, most likely within the first five years of life after birth, when the personality is being formed within an individual. In 20 years
of psychotherapy practice, I have had only one individual who, at the bequest of their spouse engaged in psychological testing and was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. They brought with them the official diagnostic report from the Psychiatric Institute where they participated in official testing needed for actual diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. This individual then came to me for individual therapy twice in a 2-week timeframe, then never heard from them again. This occurrence was one which was taught during graduate school, where an individual
with an actual diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder will come once or twice, and that will be all. So, true to the teachings of professors at the University where I received
my master’s degree, rang true. Most of the time they will not return because they find it a waste of time since they believe wholeheartedly there is nothing wrong with them, and
that it is everyone else who has issues and problems.
Sound familiar? Yes indeed, we deal with these types of individuals almost daily. Whether it is your boss or supervisor at work, the rude and inconsiderate person in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store, and even parents, siblings, and yes even spouses are increasing fitting the mold of narcissism as described in pop culture. It is true these individuals have a significant degree of narcissism, and as individuals we do indeed have interactions with these personality styles. And much of the time when
an individual who appears to have a higher personality style of narcissism is summoned
to therapy by a spouse, parent, child, etc. will very likely say and believe that they are not the problem, but the other person or people are the problem.
In writing this article, I certainly do not want to give anyone the idea that I am discounting our dealings with individuals who present with narcissism, and the mental and emotional pain they can cause. Earlier in this article, I pointed out not everyone with levels of narcissism actually have a diagnosis or even an un-diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as to point out one of the most salient myths that people with narcissism think very highly of themselves, especially compared to others, but to point out how individuals with narcissism are very much in mental and emotional pain and anguish. The purpose of writing these articles has always been to identify and describe trauma and hope to treat mental and emotional illness. Unfortunately for personality disorders, apart from one, have a specified treatment. Borderline personality disorder is the only one of its kind with a therapeutic intervention known as dialectical behavioral therapy. In all cases of personality disorders, none of them can be treated directly with medication however secondary and tertiary symptoms can be treated such as depression and anxiety which can accompany some personality disorders which.There are certain methods that people who are the recipients of abuse by individuals who present with a narcissistic personality style and do so they are not taken advantage of, and this is done by setting boundaries and maintaining boundaries. Setting boundaries with people who present with narcissistic personality styles can be very difficult however, once an individual knows the strategies used by them, they will be equipped with skills that can and are priceless and put a stop to narcissistic abuse. People with a narcissistic personality style are very consistent in the behaviors they exhibit. And as such, with a little bit of practice, an individual can put the narcissist in their place because of the identification of what they are trying to accomplish. The results always the same, to manipulate and deceive. I’m going to use the metaphor of fishing when a person with a narcissistic personality style is looking for a relationship of any kind, which could be a friendship, a romantic interest, even just acquaintance. The first step is that they will do what is known as “love bombing” where they throw their line out, and slowly real in with very inviting promises and actions they will give to the desired relationship. Then once they get you reeled in, meaning you’re pretty well hooked, then comes the “bait switch.” This is when they will show their true colors, and since these people are looking for relationships, they will normally go after very empathetic people because they know that people with high empathy will give and give to them and have difficulty setting boundaries, therefore the person with the narcissistic personality style will have what is known as “supply.” Once an individual with narcissistic personality style has been able to get out of the relationship their wants and needs, they will then hand the “victim” a “soft discard.” A soft discard means that the person with the narcissistic personality style will do what’s known as “hoovering” where they will wait and keep tabs on the person they abused because they will probably need that individual again in the future. When they find they need this person they had already abused, the cycle will start all over again where, 1) love bomb, 2) bait switch, 3) Get their supply, also known as sucking the energy and everything else out of the one they are abusing, 4) Soft Discard, 5) Hoover, and 6) repeat the cycle. What a person can see this vicious cycle, they can choose to end the relationship themselves, and this is done by handing the narcissistic individual a “hard discard.” The hard discard is when the victim or the abused realizes this person has used them over and over again and have never gotten out of the relationship what had always been promised. There are other tools that someone with the narcissistic personality style will use enduring relationships. One of them is called, “bread crumbing where the narcissist will throw out just enough crumbs or love, admiration, etc. to keep their supply coming back for more. In addition, they will also utilize gas lighting. In future articles I will write more about some of these other evil tools a person with a narcissistic personality style will use and behaviors they will engage in to deceive and manipulate. I hope this has been helpful, informative, and I will catch on the flipside.

03/25/2026

With Carly Jdot – I just got recognized as one of their top fans! 🎉

03/15/2026

Hello everyone and welcome back!! Over the last couple days, I’ve been pondering over what I would like to share with my readers with today’s post, and I came up with something that I feel will be very beneficial and useful, especially because there appears to be so much of this type of chaos and turmoil in so many lives. As a psychotherapist I see this quite a bit in my practice and see it in the lives of others I am related to and care about very much.
I want to get back in focusing on healing the emotional scars of trauma, and I believe many of the emotional scars we carry come from living in an environment of chaos, as well as being genetically predisposed to mental, emotional, and physical illness. Whether it’s from childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood, I believe this is something that needs to be talked about more and more, and that is the topic of abuse, and its different nuances such as, emotional abuse, physical abuse, s*xual abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, as well as other abuses people endure for many years, and continue to endure because they have been expected to endure throughout their entire lives.
Before going further, it is important for me to disclose that what I write and what I post is not an attempt to diagnose or treat anyone’s mental, emotional and/or physical illness, but that I am just merely sharing information I have taken from 20 years of the treatment I have provided individuals, couples, and families ‘s by utilizing it for the benefit of others. Since I see the effects that abuse has on so many people, I felt that writing more about abuse will help many people to understand that they are not alone, and that there are answers and reasons for certain mental, emotional, and even physiological illnesses caused by abuse.
My firm belief is that abuse is abuse is abuse! What I mean by that is no matter what type of abuse, no matter what degree of abuse, it can and in many cases be very detrimental to an individual’s whole person. Much of the abuse individuals endure is from childhood and continuing through adolescence. It does not stop there, however, because when we have been abused in any manner by parents or any other caregiver responsible for our upbringing, abuse will likely continue throughout the lifespan.
The effects of abuse can begin while in utero. When the mother of a developing fetus has continual major stressors in her life, such as abuse in any form, they will overproduce the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol can cross the placentas to where the developing fetus will be able to experience, and as result respond to abuse and trauma after their birth. Usually, the primary parts of a person’s body which are more susceptible to physical reaction from too much cortisol are the gastrointestinal system. Other physiological systems are also affected; however, it appears I have had more clients who present with gastrointestinal problems above all other systems in the body.
in a previous article I wrote about the connection between autoimmune disorders, and trauma, particularly trauma acquired by any type of abuse. It appears to me that with the different autoimmune disorders that affect the gastrointestinal system such as irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, celiacs, and hepatitis, the gut takes most of the hits, and the damage due to highly stressful and abusive living situations, at any age. A few similar examples from clients who have reported high stress including abuse during pregnancy, and how this caused possible gastrointestinal problems in their infant child.
Many of the same individuals reported the infant’s intolerability to breastmilk, formula, until they can find the one where drenching “spit up” isn’t as intense. Once again, as I write these, I write about a few examples from my caseloads at any given time and am in no way saying that this happens every single time, nor that every infant who has excessive vomiting and spit up is experiencing major gastrointestinal issues, once again these are for informative purposes only. I believe however, that there does seem to be a correlation due to what I have noticed in my own clients, as well as in clients, which have been reported by some of my colleagues.
Continuing with childhood abuse, and adolescent abuse, where many autoimmune disorders that affect the stomach can become present and more pronounced. In working with adolescents who have reported abuse and other traumatic experiences such as gross neglect, exhibit the same symptoms of these autoimmune disorders, as well as becoming diagnosed by the appropriate medical professionals as acquiring anyone of the autoimmune disorders which affect the gastrointestinal system.
Of the many clients I have treated, one stands out in my mind as someone who, as a child and into adulthood, experienced physical abuse by her mother, as well as neglect. This young lady reported many incidents where her mother would either directly or indirectly tell her she wished she would be a boy, because boys are so much easier. This young lady had one older brother and two younger brothers and felt because of the two younger brothers coming after her, or being doted on by her mother, and she continued to express mental and emotional anguish.
She came to my office at the request of her gastroenterologist. She had recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s, just after turning 30. She reported that her “gut Dr.” explained to her that he felt a lot of the explanation for acquiring Crohn’s was due to being brought up in a chaotic and possibly abusive environment. This client reported that she never reported to her doctor this was a problem in her life and teenager.
This young lady processed with me comments from other would make to others such as, “it would have been nice to have had all boys because girls are so difficult.” In addition, her mother would become physically abusive, at the same time verbally attacking her for what she now realized how the punishment never fit the crime.
This client processed how there were many other demeaning comments her mother would make about her, much of the time when she was standing in the presence of her mother, and the other individuals present, and she discussed how she became very embarrassed, then became numb, only to then realize how suppressing negative feelings caused her to add physiological illness to her mental and emotional suffering.
It appeared for this young lady to feel, and be seen, she had to really overcompensate for the negative feelings about herself, brought on by her overbearing and abusive mother. She did so by becoming someone who showed a high degree of care and empathy for certain populations of people who, presented with physical, emotional, and/or mental disabilities. In becoming someone, she wanted to be a part of, she overachieved so she could be seen, heard, and hopefully accepted by her mother.
She was and still is an advocate for the mentally and physically disabled, however, felt like she had to live with never being good enough, and even stated at one point in our therapeutic journey, “I need to know my mother sees me as worthy to be her child.” She stated she knows, as per research, her gastroenterologist, and therapist, to be keenly aware of the possibility she could genetically pass on to her children major depression, anxiety, panic, and even physiological illnesses such as an autoimmune disorder like Crohn’s, even though her efforts to make the environment her children are raised in as peaceful, accepting, and loving as she possibly can reduce the harm associated with her own mental and physical illnesses.
Many of these individuals are very much convinced they are the problem, and that their gastrointestinal pain and other problems associated with the stomach, are specific only to them. It appears that many of them who I have worked with have believed their abusers when told they were a, “bad boy” or “bad girl.” Labels like these produce more individuals who not only experience mental and emotional anguish, but also experience the physiological pain caused by overproduction of cortisol.
This article contains examples of just a small number of consequences on how abuse, and stress caused by abuse can be the culprit for physical pain and suffering. What I am aiming to do in future articles is to write more about the mental and emotionally damaging effects of any type of abuse, and how it affects behavior and maladaptive thinking. I hope this is helpful, I hope you all enjoy good mental and emotional health and hope to hear from you in the future through your comments and reactions. If you like what you read, please hit that “follow” button so that you will be notified of when more articles are written and posted.

03/15/2026

With Mary Lohnas – I just got recognized as one of their top fans! 🎉

03/15/2026

With Billie Lorenz – I just got recognized as one of their top fans! 🎉

View the latest from the world of psychology: from behavioral research to practical guidance on relationships, mental health and addiction. Find help from our directory of therapists, psychologists and counselors.

03/14/2026

03/11/2026

YES!!!!!!!
400 FOLLOWERS!!!
THANK-YOU EVERYONE FOR THE CONTINUED SUPPORT AND POSITIVE REACTIONS AND COMMENTS. LET'S GO 400 MORE!!

03/11/2026

YES!!!!!!
I have 400 Followers!!!
Thank-you to all who are Continuing to Support Me and My Journey in the Fight Against Trauma and the Scars these Events Leave Behind!!

03/07/2026

My maternal grandfather once said, “you never know you’re an alcoholic until you take the first drink.” I believe this is true with anything that is potentially addicting including any kind of substances such as alcohol and other illicit drugs, as well as food, sugar, s*x, and po*******hy etc.

What I decided to write about today is the correlation between genetics and drug and alcohol abuse/dependence, as well as other addictions, addictions we call, “process addictions.” Before I go any further, I would like to once again disclose that the purpose for what I write is for educational, information only. These posts are not an attempt to diagnose and/or treat any mental health, emotional health, or even medical illnesses. I strongly suggest that each person who reads these posts is welcome to leave comments, including any disputations someone may find.

I would appreciate it when individuals find disputations and leave comments, they do so respectfully. I had a psychology professor at the University where I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree tell all her students, even though she has initials after her name such as PhD, that she is still human, and fallible, and she also welcomes any kind of questions, even further information regarding the topic she may be unaware of.

It will now be my privilege to begin sharing my knowledge with each of my followers and non-followers on the education, training, and psychotherapeutic practice I have engaged in over the last 20+ years. As stated in other posts, I am a licensed clinical social worker in both Utah and Idaho, as well as previously in the state of Colorado. I graduated from Weber State University with a bachelor’s degree in social work and minor in psychology and graduated from the University of Utah with a master’s in social work.

I was probably seven or eight years old when I heard my grandfather say those words from the opening line of this post. And for some reason it resonated with me for the rest of my life. Through the rest of my childhood, and my adolescence into adulthood, I have strived to refrain from any potential addictions which might have some very undesirable consequences. Undesirable consequences I had witnessed in my grandfather. One of the other statements he made was for my brothers and I to refrain from using any substances that might cause addiction because there is a genetic component linked to addiction.

When individuals engage in any type of behavior, which yields negative outcomes, it can be passed on to future generations. I use the word “behavior” because as I have learned through education, practice, and training, how indeed negative behaviors have a genetic component and can be passed on to future generations. How can this be? I asked myself this question when I was in my mid-20s, before I began studying psychology and clinical social work. I was watching a television show, and a commercial came on from the network news asking, “the adultery gene, true or false?” She went on to cite new studies at the time to support certain behaviors such as adultery can and do have genetic influence on future generations.

Now, this does not mean every person who has a parent or parents who have committed adultery will indeed become adulterers themselves, however, it can raise the risk. The reason behaviors from previous generations, most likely from our parents, are passed on is when an individual exhibits any behavior, this individual’s DNA is altered, therefore posing a likelihood that these types of behaviors can be passed on. It is important to remember however, the importance of environment in the development of individuals also has a strong influence in how an individual will continue to grow throughout childhood, adolescence, and into early adulthood.

Many of you may have heard statements such as, “you are just like your father, or you are just like your mother” and many of these statements are said in a negative context due to agitation and irritation by one parent or another. The interesting thing is how accurate that may be.

One thing I would really like to note is that even positive behaviors by an individual also alter their DNA, and when conception occurs, may have the likelihood of very positive, and desirable traits a person can exhibit as result of positive behaviors and the positive outcomes of these behaviors.

When individuals are traumatized in any way, their DNA is altered, and this can also cause future offspring to exhibit trauma due to the genetic component which is present. Individuals who have inherited traumatic responses may indeed be more susceptible to negative coping mechanisms such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and any other type of addiction that causes significant impairment in an individual’s daily functioning. Significant impairment in how individuals interact with others, be it through school, work, social and home aspects of life, can have negative effects on other family members in the environment, and then due to the inherited genes, can then pass it on to their future offspring, and then the cycle continues viciously throughout generations.

When a mother is pregnant with her child, and she experiences any amount of significant stress, trauma, or any other negative experience, may also indeed cause her unborn child to recognize the outside world is a dangerous and unsafe place. The expectant mother over produces the stress hormone cortisol, and when she is pregnant, her unborn child also feels the increase in cortisol, therefore causing her fetus to know ahead of time the probable dysfunctional, abusive, and stressful environment they are about to be born into. In my opinion, I believe that sometimes this is why newborn babies can be inconsolable, constantly crying, fussing, and emoting any other type of stressful response because of the experience they had while in utero.

Once again, these are the scientific facts as they have been tested and confirmed with accurate results. In addition, I have also entered some of my own opinions regarding generational trauma and the effects it can have on continuing a vicious cycle.

Upon knowing about generational trauma, it is vitally important for individuals, families, and communities to begin breaking the cycles to reduce the harm associated with this type of trauma.

I hope this information has been helpful. Once again I invite those who read to please leave comments, remember to please be respectful, and to also like and follow my page. This topic I wrote about today was done at the request of one of my readers and followers. If anyone out there would like to know more about different types of trauma, or general mental health information, then please shoot me a message requesting such. Until next time, I appreciate all the positive comments, and the positive reactions, and the followers who choose to be a part of my page see you next time!!!

03/01/2026

Hello everyone and welcome back!! I must apologize for the long break I took before writing more information about trauma, and the effects it may have in variety of individual circumstances. It is important to remember how trauma is subjective, meaning it is dependent on the lens we see the world through, whether it is direct, or indirect, trauma affects everyone differently.

Before I get too far into this post, I would like to note how this, as well as previous posts and future posts are not an attempt to diagnose and/or treat any mental health, medical or physiological problems or illnesses. If anyone who reads these posts feels they may be suffering from signs and/or symptoms of the different conditions written herein, I invite you to seek professional mental and/or emotional help, and /or medical help from in the geographical area of your residence.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the states of Idaho and Utah, and as such, can treat individuals who reside in either one of those states. Currently I am practicing Psychotherapy in a private practice I founded and launched in July of 2018. I have been practicing Psychotherapy since 2006, where I completed a one-year Practicum requirement from the University of Utah, and 2 years of supervise practice until I took and passed the National Clinical exam and have been fully and independently licensed since 2009.

What I want to discuss today is one of the topics that was requested by one of the followers of this page. There were a couple of these requests, and they have to do with the trauma of grief and loss. Grief and loss can be very complex where a family member or close relative and/or close friend can pass in an untimely manner, such as an accident, a terminal illness an individual acquires very early in life, and probably, in my opinion the untimeliest death, su***de. I would like to be clear how the death of a loved one whether it is untimely or has been something that has been anticipated due to long-term or terminal illness and age, can be traumatizing to those who are left behind.

Just like any other trauma, when we experience grief and loss, the cortisol that is produced naturally in our bodies is released at higher levels due to the extreme stress placed upon those who mourn and grieve. This is especially true with death which occurred to an individual very early in life, such as in childhood and adolescence.

When the trauma of death of a loved one occurs, those who are left behind will experience a few different stages or phases, which were presented by Doctor Elizabeth Kubler in 1969 They are as follows.

Denial: individuals may first deny that a death of a loved one has occurred because this is a defense mechanism in helping them to overcome the shock associated with the loss.

Anger: individuals may become angry when the news is given regarding the death of a loved one because of the unfair nature of loss, individuals may even blame others including their higher power because they could have stopped it.

Bargaining: in this stage an individual may try to postpone or even stop the inevitable. This stage is where an individual is trying to gain or have some semblance of control over the situation. Examples would be, “if only” statements such as, “if only we would have taken them to a doctor sooner, or in the case of su***de, “if only I had been a better parent, friend, and so forth, they might still be alive.” Individuals will also bargain with their higher power declaring things such as, “God, if you heal my loved one, I promise I will go to church and serve you for the rest of my life.” As human beings, we have a great need to feel like we are in control. And in the case of the death of a loved one, we are certainly not in control.

Depression: individuals may become depressed once the initial shock has decreased, and they have been able to express the anger that is present in the situation of grief and loss. In addition, depression is exhibited as survivors try to imagine how they will move forward without their deceased loved one in their life.

Acceptance: at this stage, an individual will accept the passing of their loved one and will begin to experience more healing within themselves in connection with their loss.

I need to note that these five stages are not necessarily experienced in the order which they are written here. An example would be that a survivor first becomes angry upon hearing about the event, and then second becomes depressed, or even third, go to acceptance. It is all subjective, and these stages can be experienced by an individual multiple times, and experience them very slowly, or very rapidly.

I would like to circle back now to emphasizing the problematic nature of death, grief and loss to those who have experienced the passing of a loved one who was very young, and the parents, grandparents, siblings, and others who were blindsided by such an event. The one thing that I would like to declare here is how horrible it must be to experience grief and mourning of the death of a child, adolescent child, even adult child, it just seems like is not the natural order where a parent outlives their child!

When the untimely death of a child is experienced by the parents of the deceased, it is my opinion that the stress hormone cortisol is not only produced in extreme levels, but that it continues to be produced in those higher levels for longer periods of time due to the process individuals have to go through during the stages of grief and loss. During the time of mourning, parents of the deceased will continually have many thoughts that are associated with the five stages, which become even darker and depressing, and these thoughts continually cause the overproduction of cortisol. As pointed out before, the overproduction of cortisol can cause very negative symptoms such as nightmares, panic attacks, dissociative episodes, and then other chronic mental and emotional health and physiological problems to occur.

In addressing the more effective ways of coping with the death of a child, the first thing is always acknowledgment. When coping with this kind of loss, acknowledgment is something that may need to be experienced for the remainder of the lives of the parents and other loved ones of the deceased child. The reason for this is how denial may be experienced for a very long time, as the grieving continues for a very long time.

In addressing the parents of their child who died of su***de, it is important for them to understand, most likely, that their child was not wanting to end their life, they were just wanting to end their pain. Parents who experience pain and suffering because of the su***de of their child will be working through the process of grief and loss, in the beginning, go through this process multiple times daily. This would be very important for the survivors to find a therapist to help work through the grief, as well as support groups to help them know they are not alone in their grief and loss.
It is important to understand how no one knows the state of mind their child was in when S/he su***ded. It is also important for parents to understand their grief and loss and suffering is personal, and as they work through the process, they will find the courage to move forward with their lives. I would like to know how I use the phrase “move forward” instead of “move on.” This is because of individuals I have treated in psychotherapy to have lost a child to su***de or have lost a child to any untimely death the term, “move on” sounds more permanent, whereas “move forward” helps them to remember their loved one.

Finally, I would like to give the direction to engage in something that will be difficult, however, will be very healing, and that is to “feel the feelings.” When we feel the feelings, we process in our minds every aspect of the event or events for healing to take root.

I hope this has been helpful for those who requested how to work through the grief and loss of loved ones in any manner but specifically addressing the request of helping individuals who had a child die by su***de, as well as die in any untimely manner. Until next time, I wish you all good mental and emotional health.