09/20/2021
What do we do when our kids are upset? What do we do when your child is sad that they were left out at recess that day, or that they didn't make the basketball team?
Most of us have the urge to make-better. We see our child upset and it evokes a painful feeling inside us - and then often, because our own painful feeling is so uncomfortable, we look to take our child out of *their* discomfort so we can end *our* discomfort as soon as possible. And so we share things like "It's not a big deal!" or "You're fine!" I know these words well because I hear them come out of my mouth sometimes too.
Here's the problem with these words: our child already is upset. Our child already doesn't feel fine. Our child already feels like it is a big deal. When our body registers a feeling, it can't unregister it.
Here’s a big idea: It's not our feelings but the *aloneness in our feelings* that makes us feel awful. What's worse than feeling sad or disappointed is feeling alone in these feelings.
So, how do we help our kids feel less alone in their feelings? We can focus on our presence. When your child is upset, imagine they are on the "bench" of that feeling - the bench of sadness or loneliness or disappointment. Presence is sitting down next to your child on the bench instead of trying to pull them off that bench or do some magic trick that switches it to a "happy" bench. Presence is what makes feelings manageable and what allows your child to access their resilience.
Ok let’s make this actionable by brainstorming about this together in comments: How do you “do” presence with your kids? What is something you say or something nonverbal you do to let your child know you’re on that feelings bench with them?
