03/13/2020
Good evening, mthr fkr$, and now an important message:. Derby | Reynolds' State of the YOU$A®™ Address: DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them—we!
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/derby-reynolds-state-youa-address-diegokoronavirus-can-derby
TRANSCRIPT:
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Thursday, March 12, 2020, 8PM Central Time
Good day, everyone.
There is general fear and unrest amongst us that has spread far and wide—it is a global concern—from Kenosha to $chaumburg, and Wuhan to Berlin. We are all in this together on the internet. Remember, it is here on the internet where the DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them, we.
We are safe on the internet as long as we remember a few key survival tips during these socially stressful times. My executives and I at Derby | Reynolds need to remind all of you that:
💩 No one cares about your drama.
💩 No one cares about your poor personal decisions.
💩 No one cares about your poor financial decisions.
💩 No one cares about your hashtag campaign.
💩 No one cares about your rights.
💩 No one cares about your memes.
💩 No one cares about your politics.
💩 No one cares about your religions.
💩 No one cares about your genders.
💩 No one cares about your photo uploads.
💩 No one cares about your emojis.
💩 No one cares about the du***ss Republicans who support f**knut Donnie Trump.
💩 No one cares about the powerless and empathetic Democrats who need to save the working class people of the U.S.A. from the du***ss Republicans' poor, divisive, shortsighted, selfish, and ignorant decisions for 24 of the 40 years they've loomed over the executive oval office to run your country into the ground since 1980.
💩 No one cares until it happens to them.
There are many more survival tips to protect yourselves from the demonization of dramatic digital emotions and we are here to offer relief from this global pandemic in life-affirming ways. My team and I will be open 24 hours to help all of you. Free services includes:
👍🏾 Free speedboat rides up and down the Mississippi river.
👍🏾 Free buckets of salsa and chips from the nearest Chili's Grill & Bar, on us—just ask your local Chili's rep to about the Derby | Reynolds DiegoKoronavirus $pecial®™.
👍🏾 Free pairs of chafe-free METAL PANTIES®™.
👍🏾 Free marketing and advertising services—yes, stop paying whoever you're paying today—especially to the poor businesses in Rockford, Illinois, stop paying today. Contact us now to save your business from their greedy rates.
👍🏾 Free all-you-can-eat baskets of 'Talian Nachos from Old Chicago on us—again, ask for the Derby | Reynolds DiegoKoronavirus $pecial®™
👍🏾 Free college-level courses on how to make your own soaps, potatoes, and soups.
👍🏾 Free lessons on how to enjoy quarantining yourselves—i.e., my staff has been quarantined since birth. Our collective average IQ—128 employees— came out to 149. We are borderline genius mode. Our extremely high intellect score is due to a lifelong practice of quarantining ourselves from idiots. Yes, all of you. Sorry, it's the truth. We revel in silence, read books, listen to music, write books, make music, and practice our grammar on a daily basis. We are here to help you better at being a human being!
My people, there is no need to worry but should you, know that me and my staff are here on the internet to simmer the nerves. My company is ready to serve and protect each of you in our eternal pursuit of the higher consciousness. Together we will rise stronger than ever to take the $ out of $cumbags to put back in the YOU$A®™!
Thank you and use soap,
Lord Thomas Derby
CEO, Derby | Reynolds
Derby | Reynolds — THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING®™
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"Derby | Reynolds' State of the YOU$A®™ Address: DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them—we!" © 2020 Lord Thomas Derby, under exclusive license by DerbyReynolds.com | Reproduction not permitted. All rights reserved."
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Thursday, March 12, 2020, 8PM Central Time Good day, everyone. There is general fear and unrest amongst us that has spread far and wide—it is a global concern—from Kenosha to $chaumburg, and Wuhan to Berlin.
