12/12/2023
6 years ago is a day I will never forget. Nor will I forget the hardships that followed as I proceeded to lose just about everything else too. I still have his Christmas presents that he never received. Untouched. His baby piano still alive with the same battery as the day we got it. His toys remain in boxes, looked at only on the hardest of days. I doubt anyone remembers his imperfectly perfect overlapping toe, or the simian line that crossed his hand. I doubt many remember his cute little unibrow. And very few even would be able to remember seeing his smile, if you do, you’re one of the very lucky few who ever even saw it. I still cry all the time. Usually at night when it’s just me in this world. I think back to these times constantly, my heart always aching. There is not too much in this world that I wouldn’t give to get those times back. He would’ve been 8 this year. Almost to be 9. Sometimes I wonder what life would’ve been like if he were still here. There is parts of me that wonder what life would’ve been like if Monosomy 1p36 Deletion Syndrome wasn’t a thing… Oh how different life would have been…. The life we could have had… in another place, in another time I suppose. When my time comes, I will welcome it with open arms. I miss my boy. A huge hole is still residing in my heart. It will never fill since it was his place and his alone. That is the piece of me he took when he left. And the edges, regardless of if they are duller or not, are still sharp nonetheless. And even though a lot of time has passed, it doesn’t feel like it. I spent the last 6 years so lost. I am thankful to have found pieces of myself along the way. I am not whole, and will never be. But every year I am getting closer and closer to getting back to being me. Being in a position to where I can reach my potential. As I told someone recently, “My Potential is only defined by my Effort” which up until that moment. Was not true. A huge part of me is still stuck in those days.